What is a deal-breaker?

Is a deal-breaker really a deal-breaker?

If you think you understand what a “deal-breaker” or a “non-negotiable” is, let’s find out if you’re right.

What are your top deal-breakers? Ready… go!!

Ready for your next question? What would happen if you found someone who was PERFECT in every single way, BUT they possess one of these deal-breakers? What would you do? Would you really dismiss them because of that ONE thing? If so, OK – you’re right on. That’s a legit deal-breaker. If not, time to think again. That’s not a deal-breaker, that’s a preference.

“What’s an example?” you ask? Let’s take… location. So you live in Dallas. Your friend invites you to a fun company party at one of the big, fancy hotels and you go. While there, you meet this AMAZING person and you totally hit it off. They’re perfect – everything you’ve been searching for. You talk for hours and you can’t imagine not seeing them again… they feel the same way. But then… you find out they’re from Cincinnati. Didn’t see that one coming. They’re just visiting, they have a business meeting. What do you do? If you’re still up for seeing them again, maybe distance is negotiable. Or in the very least, it’s not a deal-breaker. If you’re no longer interested because of this ONE thing, maybe location is a deal-breaker after all.

Does that help? Sometimes it’s good to sit back and analyze what is negotiable and what’s not. If your list of deal-breakers is a mile long, and you’re really sticking to that list, you may be getting in your own way by making your search SO narrow that no one will ever pass your pearly gates. If you complete this exercise with all of your non-negotiables and keep them all, maybe you need to next analyze why…

How to ruin a date by being negative

The Truth About Talking Too Much About What You DON’T Want

Have you ever talked to one of those people who can only talk about negative things? They hate their job, they don’t get along with their family, their cat is the devil, their car is always needing repairs, their knee is killing them… it’s draining isn’t it? Well, if you always tell your dates about ALL the things you don’t want in a relationship or partner, that’s what you sound like to them.

Negative is negative. And when you’re telling someone you’ve just met about all the things you don’t want, what do you think they hear? Think about how it feels when someone you’re talking to asks you to focus on the negative. Why is this different?

What if you reverse it? What if you talk about all the things you DO want?

Look at it this way: Instead of saying that you DON’T WANT someone who is gone all the time, say you WANT someone to share things with. Instead of saying you DON’T WANT a cheater or a liar, you WANT someone honest, trust-worthy, and loyal. Instead of saying you DON’T WANT a relationship that is boring, average, and cold, you WANT a fun, romantic, passionate relationship. Can you see how that would change not only the entire tone of your conversation and therefore your date, but also your date’s outlook on you?

 

What does dating a business person really mean?

So, You Want to Date a Pro?

Professional, that is…

So you’ve been through the ringer with the wrong partners. Many times. You’re over the dead beat, low-lifes that are going nowhere in their life, and you’re ready to date the successful professional who has everything going on for them. Sounds like a revolution, and the idea of dating this kind of person is something new and foreign. So what now? Well, date a professional, right? Unfortunately it’s not that easy.

Why not? Shouldn’t it be? Let’s think about this for a minute.

Put yourself in this “professional’s” shoes for a minute. What does your life look like? Your day? You work a lot of hours and come home, what do you want when you come home? You’re probably attending fancy work functions, or at least business functions. What kind of person do you want to take to these functions? Who are your friends, and what do you talk about? What do you do in your free time?

Chances are, this “successful” professional is looking for someone specific as well. Is it you? Maybe. There are questions that only you can answer for yourself. Would you enjoy their life-style? They’re most likely gone a lot, working a lot. When they come home, they probably just want to relax. They may not like to go out, and if they do it’s most likely not to the clubs or a bunch of bars, but rather to a nice restaurant. They utilize a lot of energy throughout the day, so they don’t do drama or high-maintenance. Most likely, their friends are people they work with, or at least people with similar work schedules and interests. Are you open to learning new things? With genuine interest? They’re gone a lot, so are you secure enough to be fine on your own? Are you trusting enough to know that they’re working and not out cheating on you?

The key in pursuing a relationship with someone with a life-style that you’ve never experienced is to put yourself in their shoes and think about what kind of partner YOU would like if you were them.

Love Has No Labels

I know I’m a day late (it’s July 5th) in posting about Patriotism, but since this is a different approach to the traditional “patriot” reference, I thought it would probably be OK with you if I was a little outside the box. I’m usually there anyway.

I saw a post on a friend’s Facebook page from yesterday and it moved me. It was John Cena (the WWE star turned actor who looks like a bigger version of Mark Wahlberg) walking down a typical city street that looked like it could be just about anywhere, talking about “patriotism” and what it truly means to be an American. Now I know not everyone shares the same views that I do that love is love and everyone has the right to find love in their life, no matter what preferences they have – but you really can’t ignore the statistics about what the “average American” is.

So instead of trying to rephrase what Mr. Cena said so eloquently, I’ll just let you watch for yourself.

I hope you had an amazing 4th of July holiday and that you stayed safe, and I hope that this video helps expand your heart and acceptance for ALL of the Americans out there, regardless of your own beliefs. As the video states, love has no labels.

Can Summer Love Work?

Summer Love

Every time I hear the phrase “Summer Love” I instantly think of the movie “Grease”. (And of course the song of the same name is cycling through my head as I write this.) It begs the question, “Is ‘summer love’ really something to be romanticized about? What happens AFTER summer?

Back in June of 1999, I met a guy. It was summer and I was home, staying with my parents before heading back to college 3 hours away. We went on a few dates and I realized that it might just turn into something… but I had registered for Fall classes already. We dated over the summer, and when it came time to decide what to do in the Fall, I decided – well, WE decided – it was more than just “summer love”. I canceled my classes and stayed in my hometown, registering late there instead for Fall semester. What happened? We ended up getting married and having two kids. We’re divorced now, (sorry to ruin the fairy tale) but that “summer love” turned into more than summer love.

I’m not someone who really believes in flings and one-night-stands, so the whole concept of a short-term, seasonal romance doesn’t appeal to me. BUT – from personal experience – I know that it can turn into something more. My fear with any kind of non-committal, shorter-term relationship is that both people don’t feel the same – one person wants it to continue, and the other feels the “fling” has served it’s purpose and they’re ready to move on. In closing, I guess if you can take the outcome, whatever it may be, and you’re OK with potential seasonal love, give it a go! If lines aren’t clear and you don’t think you can take the outcome if it’s not what you want, either have “the talk” earlier rather than later or just walk away before you become too heavily invested.

Great Expectations

It’s time for the big date! The FIRST date. Immediately, the expectations start rolling in. It should be interesting, to get to know someone new, right? You should be able to tell on Date #1 whether or not they’re worth (and deserving of) your time, right? You would think that after spending an ENTIRE meal with someone you’d know whether or not they’re “marriage material”, right?

Wrong. Wrong. And wrong.

Having expectations for a first date is sure-fire way to ensure dating disaster. How can you place so much pressure on one interaction with someone brand new? Can you REALLY tell from one date whether or not you are going to walk down the aisle with someone? No. And to think that will ultimately end many really, really good potential relationships before they have the chance to start.

Next time you have a first date, let this be what guides you, and your decision whether or not to go on a second date:

Did you enjoy yourself enough to want to repeat it?

That’s it. No giant secret recipe or long list of tips. Just that. Beyond that, you could also ask yourself if you were intrigued – even a little bit – in getting to know them a little better? Remember that, like a job interview, not everyone “interviews” well. They could be nervous, or quiet at first, or intimidated… or exhausted, or had a bad day. Don’t dismiss someone just because it wasn’t mind-blowing and Earth-shattering. If it wasn’t horrible, do it again! THEN you can make a more informed decision, based on more than one experience.

Who knows – that person you almost didn’t see again could end up being the best thing that ever happened to you!

Hot or Not?

I spoke to a young lady the other day who has really only done online dating. She broke my heart, and hopefully she breaks yours too.

She told me that she’s ugly. Fat. Unattractive. And single, of course… she doesn’t know what else to do, other than to try online dating. She said that she has done the best with her profile and photos that she can, but that she knows she isn’t desirable at all… yet she’s still hoping. She recently added this line to her profile, all in caps: “PLEASE STOP RATING ME AS NOT HOT. I KNOW I’M UGLY, PLEASE STOP TELLING ME THAT I AM.”

So….. did that break your heart too? I don’t get it.

I ask myself how people can be so cruel when I see horrible things in the news, or someone posts some disgusting (and I emphasize UNWELCOMED) video of child or animal abuse. But on a dating site? Why the need to judge others? People do that silently, in their head, already – why can’t it just stay there? OK, if you’re super hot, to have a million members of the opposite sex tell you that you’re hot is awesome. I get it. But what if you’re not? Do you really need to be told? To be rated? To consistently and constantly have your self-esteem crushed?

And what made these website/company owners decide this was something beneficial to ANYONE? We have a responsibility to all human-kind to be just that – KIND. In a world that’s constantly tearing people down, do you really think it’s of benefit to add to this when someone is at their most vulnerable, single and looking for love? Looking for acceptance?

Ugh. End of vent, I guess. Just do me favor – next time you are ready to push the “NOT HOT” button, think about how it would make you feel to have your self-doubt and perceived inadequacies shoved in your face by a complete stranger who has seen one photo of you. Don’t do it. Just don’t.

Leave it to Fate?

I’ve always thought that “fate” would bring things and people into your life when it’s supposed to. I still think that. So how does my job work then, if fate is what matters – not my ability to find matches for my clients? I’ve asked myself that same question, and here’s what I’ve come up with:

I think that my effort – and matchmaking in general – is valuable because it creates the opportunity to connect with people that you wouldn’t otherwise connect with. We’re a gateway – conduit. We are to singles what Amazon is to shopaholics! Without trying to over-emphasize or amplify this profession for more than it really is, it truly is way for people to meet when they never would have met otherwise.

I often need to remember my own story when I start to question this. I met my amazing husband online back in 2007 (when online dating was a little better off than it is now). He was in California, I was in Montana. There was NO other way we would have met. That website was our conduit of fate.

So whether I’m writing this to convince you or myself that I’m a conduit of fate, I’m not sure. But I am sure now that I’m helping fate, not getting in its way. Your connection could come in the form of a missed flight, a mutual friend, the help of a stranger, or even from a matchmaker. Open your mind – and your heart – to the possibility of love from anywhere! Maybe you’re even reading this blog for a reason!!

Desperation is NOT Sexy

I know, I know – it’s been awhile since you went on a date. Or at least a GOOD date… one with promise. You want so desperately for it to go well, so you talk about alllll those things that are soooo important to you. You want a loving relationship, with someone who understands you. You want to be equal partners. You want a family – lots of kids – a dog, maybe two, maybe a cat – and a house with a white picket fence. Across the table, your date smiles and nods – things are going GREAT!! Obviously THIS is the one…

Time to plan a second date. You call, or text, the same night to work on another date. You don’t hear anything… that night, or the next day, or the next. You start to panic. You can’t lose this one – things were SO perfect!! So you text some more, call some more, and some more and some more… Nothing. Why? What happened?

You may have come across as a little too desperate. The combination of the over-excitement regarding your future together and the way-too-enthusiastic contact and planning attempt afterwards was way too much. I’m not a proponent for games, or playing hard to get, but it’s obvious that there is a not-so-fine line between “hard to get” and normal.

So what do you do next time to avoid seeming desperate? Resist the urge to over-share, over-dream, over-predict. Don’t talk so much about what you want in a relationship that you freak your date out. When you paint a clear picture of what you want, do you think that that’s something someone else feels they could live up to? That’s a lot of pressure, even for someone you’ve been dating awhile – so imagine what pressure someone you just met would feel.

Resist the urge to push to plan the next date RIGHT away. If you didn’t plan it together during the date, or at the end of the date, give it a day or two. There’s nothing wrong with texting or calling after the date to say thank you, and that you had a great time, but don’t push to plan unless they bring it up.

Just remember that desperate is like relationship repellant. It’s the best way to make someone run the other way!

No One Wants to See That!

OK everyone, I know that there a million articles and blogs and books that talk about the best pictures to post as your profile picture in your online dating profiles. I’m going to do you a giant favor and tell you about the WORST pictures you could post. Why? Because I just feel like some of you still might not know.

Guys – put your shirt on. Even if you look like God himself sculpted you out of clay, don’t use a shirtless photo for your profile picture. It makes women think “Geez, he must be really full of himself.” And THAT is a big turn-off. And if you don’t look like a sculpture, definitely don’t post a shirtless photo. That just ruins it for us – and for you – because if we judge you based on your less-than-stellar physique, we’ll never take the time to get to know you.

Girls – enough of the kissy faces and cleavage shots. Seriously. What are you trying to say? Who are you trying to attract? If you’re just out for the one-night-stands, by all means, keep posting the fish lips and the busty angles. But if you’re looking for a serious relationship, just stop.

Everyone – pay attention to what else is in your picture. What does it say about you? Is your bedroom or bathroom a mess? Or can you see products you use in the photo? Could someone make assumptions based off of the hygiene products or the medications they see? What about all those self-help books? Or the almost-gone bottle of rum?

Here are some more “no-no” general tips for everyone:

  • Old pics – Post current photos only. What’s the point of going through all the trouble of getting to know someone, only to show up and be something completely NOT what they’re expecting? Trust me, you’re not going to “wow” them with your mad date skills if you look like a 10-year-older version of the person they wanted to meet.
  • Group pics – Which one are you? Is someone supposed to date all of you? What if they think you’re someone else in the photo and aren’t attracted at all? Or attracted to someone NOT YOU in the photo? Next!!!
  • With kids (that aren’t yours) – OK, if you have kids and you’re looking for someone who ALSO has kids, you could potentially use a picture with them for your profile pic (although I honestly don’t recommend it, for many reasons). BUT don’t use a picture with someone else’s kids. I know you love your nieces and nephews, and you want to show what an awesome parent you’re going to make someday, but everyone who sees your photo is going to assume the kids are yours, and they’ll bypass you (unless they’re looking for that).
  • Can’t see your face – Lose the sunglasses, the hat, the glare, the distance… if we can’t see your face, there’s not a great chance we’re going to want to see more.

You’re welcome.